下载文档第一篇：英语笑话
1.A boy swore to a girl: 'Honey, do please marry me, otherwise I'll die'
The girl refused.Sixty years later, the boy died.一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。
2.Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路标）says, 'School--Go Slow' 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？
约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”
3.Teacher: Tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? And where is your homework book? Tom: Sorry, Miss.I met a robber on my way to school this morning...Teachse: Oh, My Gosh!So terrible!Did he robber anything from you?
Tom: He...he robbed my homework book....老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？
汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯……
老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？
汤姆：他……他抢走了我的家庭作业本……
4.A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.Wow, she thought, this crab is really special.I can't let him get away.So they got married immediately.The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened?” she asked.“ You used to walk straight before we were married.”
“Oh, honey, ” he replied, “I can't drink that much every day.一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。
第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.”You'll get that degree, dear,“ she whispered.”Perseverance is a virtue.“美 德
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”
1.和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an ass.He went to the market, and saw a likely one.But he wanted totest him first.So he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.The new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable.When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to
his owner.The owner felt quite surprised.He asked the man, ”Why are you back so soon? Haveyou tested him already?“ ”I don't want to test him any more,“ replied the man, ”From thecompanion he chose for himself, I could see what sort of animal he is.“
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。”
2.The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum(疯人院）one inmate shouted, ”I am Napoleon!“
Another one said, ”How do you know?“
The first inmate said, ”God told me!“
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ”I did not!“
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：”我是拿破仑！“另一个说：”你怎么知道？“第一个人说：”上帝对
我说的！“一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：”我没说！“
Notes:
（1）Looney(俚语）疯子
（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）
（3）insane asylum(疯人院）
3.A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.She watched the cat, and
the cat watched the mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, ”Woof, woof, woof!“ The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, ”Now, do you
understand the value of a second language?“
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
1、Life after death死后重生
”Do you believe in life after death?“ the boss asked one of his employees.”Yes, Sir.“ the new recruit replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine,“ the boss went on.”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。
“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。
“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。
“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
2、Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.“How's it work?”
“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot!It's two o'clock in the morning!”
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
3、Pig or Witch
猪还是女巫
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG！” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “WITCH(女巫)！” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
4、Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!”
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
5、The Mean Man's Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open, push with your foot.”
“Why use my elbow and foot?”
“Well, gosh,” was the reply, “You're not coming empty-handed, are you?”
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
一、我们什么也没留下We Left Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the day.She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: “NOBODY HOME.DON‟T LEAVE ANYTHING.” When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following message added:“THANKS!WE HAVEN‟T LEFT ANYTHING!” 我们什么也没留下
布朗太太要外出一天。她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢！我们什么也没留下！”
我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐，一紧张我说了如下内容：
二、“My name is „old five wang‟”（我叫王老五）
“I boom（炸出）at 1971year！”（我生于1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像。“My toyear is 28year”（今年28岁）※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。“My home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家里有爸妈跟一个弟弟）※其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi。
“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（还有一个叔叔与一个表妹一个表姐跟我们住在一起）※事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表。可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。
“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的兴趣是唱歌、看电影、操作电脑和压马路）※我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。
“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move
game and beat word”（我的专长是上网、业务、玩电动玩具和打字）
“In the future I hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未来我希望能去环游世界和能帮助每一个人都很快乐）
“thank you and over！”（谢谢！完了！）
那小姐整整愣了一分钟。
三、Next time that you think you‟re having a bad day
The average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.A minute later, a killer whale ate them both.阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到8万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后，它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。
四、Blind Date(相亲）
After being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,“I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadnt, mine would have had to!”
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了.他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了.当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说：“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了.”
“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”
...五、小男孩与驴子 A Small Boy and a Donkey
A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp.A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad.What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.So he wont join the army,英语笑话带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房.两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？
这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.
第二篇：英语笑话
英语笑话
笑话一：A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”(某女士带着宝宝坐公交车。司机说：“这是我见过最丑的宝宝。噢!”该女走到车厢后部坐下来，正恼怒得七窍生烟。她对邻座的男子说：“那司机刚才辱骂我!”男子说：“你过去让他滚——去吧，我会帮你把这猴子看好的。”)
笑话二：Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”(福尔摩斯和华生出去露营。他们在星空下支起帐篷然后入睡了。半夜时分，福尔摩斯叫醒华生，说：“华生，抬头看看天空，然后告诉我你看到了什么。”华生答道：“我看见了数以百万计的星星。”福尔摩斯说：“那你从这可以推断出什么结果呢?”华生又答：“哦，如果有几百万颗星星的话，即使里面只有少数的一些行星，那么就有可能存在像地球那样的行星。如果有像地球那样的行星，那上面就可能会有生命存在。”福尔摩斯：“华生你这个白痴，这意味着有人偷了俺们的帐篷。”
笑话三：Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, “My friend is dead!What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down.I can help.First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”(两个猎人在树林里，这时其中一人倒下地。这人似乎已经没有呼吸，眼睛也呆滞无神。另一个家伙拿出电话呼叫应急服务。他气喘吁吁地说：“我的朋友挂了!我该怎么办?”话务员说：“冷静点，我可以帮你。首先，要确认他死了。”对方在电话里安静下来，然后听到一声枪响。那厮拿回电话：“搞定了，现在该干嘛了?”)
第三篇：英语笑话
英语外来词的不断壮大，逐渐成为汉语中的外来词中不可忽视的一部分，如日常生活中的沙发、扑克、模特、沙拉、维他命、卡通等，另外随着网络的深人人心，越来越多的网 络词语，像因特网、下载、菜鸟、黑客、博客等正在被越来越多的人们所接受
在生活中这样的词语比比皆是，例如，沙发(sofa)、模特(mode1)、基因(gene)、比基尼（bikini）、马拉松（Marathon）、高尔夫（golf）、沙龙（salon）、色拉（salad）、布丁（pudding）、三明治（sandwich）、汉堡包（hamburger）、比萨（pizza）、巧克力（chocolate）、柠檬（lemon）白兰地（brandy）、威士忌（whisky）雪茄（cigar）等。
需要在音译部分后附加一些能指明其类别和属性的成分，从而成为一个意思完整的新汉语语素。例如，艾滋病(AIDS)、芭蕾舞（ballet）、桑那浴(sauna)、多米诺骨牌(domino)等
仿译(或者可称为合译)。即把原词组按照语义逐字翻译成汉字，再组合起来，如热狗(hot dog)、代沟(generation gap)、软饮料(soft drink)。
汉语中的英语外来词也不例外，它反映了当今社会的方方面面，已经遍及我们生活的角角落落：在吃穿用度方面，如可口可乐(coca-cola)，肯德基(Kentucky)，耐克(Nike)，T恤(rr—shirt)，沙发(sofa)，mp3等；在休闲娱乐领域，如高尔夫(golf)，迪斯科(disco)等，在科技教育领域，如因特网(Intemet)。克隆(clone)，MBA(工商管理硕士)，托福(TOFEL)等；在医疗卫生领域，如B超，CT(计算机断层扫描)等；在经济贸易领域，如WTO(世界贸易组织)，GDP(国内生产总值)，OPEC(欧洲石油输出国组织)等
如UF0(不明飞行物)，ATM机(自动取款机)，CE0(首席执行官)，GPS(全球定位系统)，CAD(计算机辅助设计)，CPU(中央处理器)，DNA(脱氧核糖核酸)等。
汉语中有关文化、体育、日常生活的词汇也迅速增加。如迪斯科(Disco)，比萨饼(Pizza)，卡拉OK，SOHO一族，脱口秀(Talk show)等。
以英语字母为序
2.Beijing 北京
5.Canton 广东
9.chi 或 qi 气（功）
11.China 或china“中国”或“瓷器”
15.chopsticks 筷子
21.Confucius来自“孔子”
22.coolie（koolie)）来自“苦力”
25.Dim sum 来自“点心”，现广泛用作“小吃”，“早点”
28.egg foo young 蛋芙蓉
29.Feng shui 来自“风水”
34.Ginseng来自“人参”
37.Han 汉族
38.Hanoi 河内（越南城市）
39.hanzi 汉字
40.Ho Chi Minh 胡志明
41.Hong Kong 香港
42.IChing来自《易经》
45.Kaolin 来自“高岭”
48.Kowtow来自“磕头”
50.Kung fu 来自“功夫”
51.Kung Hei Fat Choy 恭喜发财
52.Kung Pao chicken 宫保鸡丁
53.Kuomintang 国民党
54.Kylin 麒麟
55.Lao-tzu来自“老子”
60.lose face 丢脸，丢面子
61.Lychee或litche来自“荔枝”
62.Mahjong或Mah-jong来自“麻将”
64.Maoism(毛主义，毛泽东思想)
5.Maotai（茅台酒）
66.Mencius(孟子)67.Mulan 木兰
71.oolong 乌龙茶
78.pinyin 拼音
80.qigong 气功
87.Shanzhai山寨（版）
88.Shaolin 少林
90.Shi Ching 诗经
97.Suan-pan来自“算盘”
Tai chi（chuan）来自“太极（拳）”
109.Tofu 来自“豆腐”，日语发音
114.Typhoon 来自“台风”
118.Wonton 来自“云吞”,也叫“混沌”
125.Yin yang 来自“阴阳”
在英语中还有一些表达方式与汉语十分接近，但是否来源于汉语没有定论。这些词 语包括：
1.Long time no see：可能来自19世纪中国移民对“很久不见”字对字翻译，也可能来自于北美土著印第安人。于1901年出版的《31 Years on Plain》（W.F.Drannan著）有这样一句：When we rode up to him(an American Indian), he said: “Good mornin.Long time no see you当我们走向他（指一印第安人）时，他说“早上好，很久不见了”）。于1924 出版的Harry C.Witwer的著作《Love and Learn》也出现这种用法。
2.look-see：看看，调查。《牛津英语词典》（Oxford English Dctionary）认为这个词来自于汉语。举例： we are just about to take a little look-see around the hotel（我们只是想在旅馆四周简单的看）
3.No can do或 no can：不能做，不可能。这个词最早出现在美国幽默作家Charles Godfrey Leland(August 15, 1824 March 20, 1903)1876年编辑出版的Pidgin English Sing-Song一书，之后，有多位作家在作品中提到或者用到了这个词。《牛津英语词典》在1976年正式将该词收入。举例：When Bill asked me to write a speech, I told him bluntly no can do（当Bill要求我写一个发言稿时，我明确地告诉他，绝对不信）。
4.Lose face 丢脸。该词最早出现于1876, 英国驻清朝领事官员Robert Hart爵士所写的一篇文章，文章写到： The country [China] begins to feel that Government consented to arrangements by which China has lost face;the officials have long been conscious that they are becoming ridiculous in the eyes of the people（全中国开始感到政府接受了这个使中国蒙羞的安排，官员们也感觉到在人民的眼里他们变得非常可笑）。
5.Save face：与lose face 意思相反，但与汉语似乎没有任何关系。
6.no-go 不行
7.No-go area 禁区
8.where-to 哪儿去
9.Pingpong 乒乓球，既不起源于中国，也与中文无关。乒乓球又称为“桌上网球”（table tennis），它其实是是由网球发展而来。19世纪末起源于英国。
英语笑话
一
老
师在黑板上写了一句： Time is money.并让同学们翻译有名学生答道： ” 汤姆是玛丽 “(二)
小
明上英文课时跟老师说： May Igo to the toilet? 老师说： Go ahead.小明就坐了下来过了
一会儿，小明又跟老师说： May Igo to the toilet? 老师说： Go ahead.小明又坐了下来他旁
边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗 ? 怎么不去 ? 小明说：你没听老师说 「去你个头」啊！
(三)某
日刘洪涛碰到外宾，上前搭话曰： I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我 TM 还是方片七呢！
(四)江
青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样外宾一见到江青，马上拍马屁
道： ”Miss Jiang,you are very beautif.“ 翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下： ” 哪里，哪里 “" 江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下： ” 不见得，不见得 “ 翻译赶快翻成英文：
”You are not allowed to see,you are not allowed to see.“(五)
话
说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果 A 神
箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果 A 高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道： 「 I AM 后羿！」 B 神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这往返他自大的喊了一句： 「 I AM 丘比特！」轮 到 C 了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！
结果正中仆人的关于爱情的文章心脏就听他结结巴巴好 久才吐出一句： 「
I.I.I.AM.SORRY.」
(六)某
人刻苦学习英语，终有小成一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说： I am sorry.老外应道：
I am sorry too.某人听后又道： I am sorry three.老外不解，问：
What are you sorry for? 某人
无奈，道： I am sorry five.(七)
.八)
英
语老师问一个学生，”How are you 是什么意思 “ 学生想 how 是怎么，you 是你，于是来
回答 ” 怎么是你 ?“ 老师生气又问另一个同学： ”How old are you? 是什么意思 ?“ 这个同学想 了想说： ” 怎么老是你 “(九)某 男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是 sex 该男思之久已，毅然下笔： ”Once aweek“
签证官看后暴笑，曰：
”This item shod be filled in with male or female.“ 该男顿时赧颜，思 之，填下 ”female“，官楞之，曰：
”shodn't it be male?“ 男急释曰：
”I am anormal man,so Ihave sex with female.“(十)
一
位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照在考试时因为过于紧张，观到地上标线是向左转他
不放心的问道： turn left? 监考官来回答： right.于是他马上向右转很抱歉他只有下次再
和外国人拼英语
一人在公交车上不小心踏了外国人的脚，心想咱不能给中国人丢脸，于是卯 足了劲说了句英文： “ I ’
m sorry ”
外国人一想：在人家国土上咱不能不礼貌。于是忙点头： “ I ’
m sorry too ”
此人一听急了： Two? 以为我不会数数？咬牙道： “ I ’
m sorry three ”
外国人大惑不
解： “
What are you sorry for ？”
此人心想好啊 , 连 FOUR 也出来了，我和你拼了!: “ I ’
m sorry five！！”
追车
早上上班赶公共汽车，到站台的时候，汽车已经启动了。我只好边追边 喊： ” 师傅，等等我！师傅，等等我呀！“ 这时一乘客从车窗探出头来冲我说 了一句： ” 悟空你就别追了。"
让狗狗羞愧死
一楼住户不知从哪儿弄来一只大狗。初来乍到，它警惕性非常高，一有 点响动就狂吠不已。我家在六楼，尽管每天上下楼蹑手蹑脚，但十有八九还 是要被狂吠一通。我胆子小，狗一叫我就拼命跑，生怕它突然冲出来。
周日，我去接正在上英语培训班的小侄子到家里吃饭。刚进一楼，大狗 照旧“汪汪汪”地叫起来，叫得我心惊肉跳。小侄子却一点也不害怕，扯起 嗓子对着喊： “吐吐吐”。奇怪的是，“吐吐”几声后，大狗居然偃旗息鼓，不叫了，并且发出可怜的“哼哼”声。
回到家，我问小侄子用什么办法，居然能镇住这么凶猛的狗。小侄子洋 洋得意地说：“当狗对你汪汪叫时，它其实是在说 one，你就回 two，这时
狗因为无法回你 three，非常惭愧，就不叫了。”
搞笑中式英语．
we two who and who ？
咱俩谁跟谁阿
．
how are you ? how old are you? 怎么是你，怎么老是你？．
you don’t bird me,I don’t bird you 你不鸟我，我也不鸟你．
you have seed，I will give you some color to see see 你有种，我要给你点颜色看看
．
Government abuse chicken 宫暴鸡丁． At KFC, We do Chichen Right 在肯德基，我们做鸡是对的．
You Give Me Stop!你给我站住！．
Chop the strange fish 生鱼块
．
watch sister 表妹
．
take iron coffee 拿铁咖啡．
American Chinese not enough 美中不足
．
Where cool where you stay！哪凉快上哪呆着．
heart flower angry open 心花怒放
．
colour wolf 色狼．
dry goods 干货．
want money no;
want life one!要钱没有，要命一条．
People mountain and people sea.人山人海．
you have two down son。
你有两下子。．
let the horse come on 放马过来．
I give you face you don’t wanna face 给你脸你不要脸
．
red face know me
红颜知己
．
seven up eight down 七上八下
．
no three no four 不三不四．
do morning *** 做早操；
do class between *** 做课间操
．
you try try see！你试试看！
．
love who who 爱谁谁．
look through autumn water 望穿秋水
．
go you mother's 去你妈．
May I borrow your light ？
借光．
Handsome Year, Morning Die 英年早逝
．
dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’son can make hole!龙生龙，凤生凤，老鼠 的儿子会打洞
．
morning three night four 朝三暮四
．
king eight eggs
王八蛋
．
no care three seven twenty one 不管三七二十一
．
go and look 走着瞧
．
poor light egg 穷光蛋
．
ice snow clever 冰雪聪明
．
first see you，i shit love you
第一次见你，我便爱上了你
第四篇：英语笑话
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, “My friend is dead!What can I do?”.The operator says “Calm down.I can help.First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
简单翻译:
两个猎人在森林里打猎,突然甲倒下了.并且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也变得呆滞.乙赶紧拿起电话打给救护中心,上气不接下气的说:“我的朋友死了,怎么办?.”
服务人员说:“淡定,我有办法.首先,我们嘚确保他是死了.” 安静了一会儿,电话里响起了一阵枪声,电话那头乙说道:“好了,那接下来怎么办.”
下面是被评选世界第二搞笑的笑话：
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there.And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
简单翻译:甲乙一起去野营.他俩在星光下搭好帐篷然后睡去.半夜的某时,甲叫醒乙:“抬头看看那些星星,然后告诉我你发现了什么?”乙:“我看见好多好多的星星.”
甲:“如此你能推断出什么结论?”
乙回答道:“嗯...假如天上有无数的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那么很有可能就会有像地球一样的星球存在.假如有像地球一样的星球存在,那里还可能存在生物.”
甲无语:“你个SB.这说明有人偷了我们的帐篷.”
第五篇：英语笑话短文
英语笑话短文
Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG！” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “WITCH(女巫)！” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.猪还是女巫
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。—————————————————————————————————————————Response Ability
An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee.When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, “It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity.”
Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: “Of course not.After all, I may be wrong.”
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: “If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?”
The winning reply was: “The one nearest the exit.”
答问技巧
衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。”
当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。”
一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？”
获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”
————————————————————————————————————————Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.There was no sign of the lion.“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.“Forget the damn lion!” he howled.“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”
伟大的猎手Jonesie
有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。
猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。
半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。
“Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。
“哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”
————————————————————————————————————————Weather Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.”
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,“明天有风暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了.“我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,”导演说,“这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?”
印度人耸了耸肩.“我不知道,”印度人说,“收音机坏了.”
——————————————————————————————————————————I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece.But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.“You there!” challenged a thrill voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”
“Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”我要表现得象位女士
一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。
他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。
“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”
“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”
