第一篇：黄西美国talk show

Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother's maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]

I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn't a joke, until now.And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off.One of them said “If you don't speak English, go home”.And I didn't know this for two years.And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, “hey, listen, if you don't speak

English, go home.” And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said，“son, once you become the president of the United State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.”

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States

because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask us questions like “Who is Benjamin Franklin?” I was like “Ah , the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” [Franklin is on $100 bill]

“What is the second amendment?” I was like “Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?” [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] “

What is Roe versus Wade?” I was like “Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?” [Roe v.Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the audience knows.Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I

started to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not feel guilty.]

I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read your autobiography.And today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come.And he started to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Steven Colbert.[a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize.And he accepted it.You can't be more badass than that.Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the

nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for punks.Only on the newspaper can you say things like “I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer.” [poking fun at media

for relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn't fall

asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3.[C-span channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you very

much.So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much.America is number one.That is true because we won the World Series every year.[WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins.Great joke]

After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden.Thank you very much.You had me at “Yes we can”.That was a slogan.So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip.And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have take a step back and explain a bit.You know,cause I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You've probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell.[best joke of the night].But now we have a president who is half black and half white.It just gives me a lot of hope.Because I am half not black, half not white.Two negatives make a positive.

第二篇：黄西-美国记者年会演讲稿

Good evening, everyone.My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?”“Hu” is actually my mother's maiden name,and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）

I grew up in China.Who wouldn't?

我在中国长大。谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound,which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快，而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢。

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn't do it right.When I was seven, one day he said to me, “Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”So, five minutes later, I said, “Why?”He said, “Because I said so!”

我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”，他说“因为我说好就是好！”（笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn't a joke,until now.我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。这不是个笑话，不过现在是了。

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don't speak English, go home!”And I didn't notice it for two years.我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country.And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public.Which is really a tough to do, because many timesI had to say to him in public, “Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!”

和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。”（这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）

And he was said to me, “Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。因为回中国的话，我有一件事情完全没有办法做的比这里更好，那就是我散发出的异域风情。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“谁是本杰明 富兰克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（百元美钞上印着 本杰明 富兰克林的头像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, “Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?”

“Roe vs.Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕

胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed messages!I think there was a movie about him.It's called “Kill Bill”

我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是《杀死比尔》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh..meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight.em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的哈开心），他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert!

坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two

wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.and he accepted it.You can't be more badass than that.Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers.Because I used to write for the campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you see just like, “I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer).”My point exactly.我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN,there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.Thank you very much!

今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.oh, Thank you very much!eh.America is number one!That's true!cause we won the World Series every year!

2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.You are welcome.You had me at “Guess we can”.That was their slogan.成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。这是他们的口号。（此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.所以，当奥巴马成为总统的时候，我感觉到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也应该去竞选总统！

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit.Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。

But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too? ok.So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, “Who cares?”(Hu Cares)

你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!

如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。

That will give me the youth vote.You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like, “Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce.So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president,or the Olson twins.我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业。所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事，就好像总统与副总统，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她们是双胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起设计服装）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one.But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know.because of pre-existing conditions.除去心脏病和癌症的因素，大多数美国人是自然死亡的。所以如果我当选，我会找出一种治

愈自然死亡的疗法。你们看上去很喜欢这个。但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险，因为先前条款。

And I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.It was 100 degrees, now it's 40!You are very welcome!

我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施。如果我当选了，我就把华氏改成摄氏。这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度。

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯！（这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow.So if elected, I will go with text messaging.I'll text our allies just to say “hi”,and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building a nuclear weapon?but you're doing it wrong, LOL!”

我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.Thank you so much and have a very good night.Thank ** guy.

第三篇：黄西

黄西

出生在中国东北。谈到儿时的艰苦条件，黄西笑言贫困的生活对日后在美国求学有不少锻炼。与后来的学业成就不同，黄西少时成绩非常一般，曾被老师称为“打狼的”（东北方言，意为“落在后面的人”——编者注）。高中时，黄西因惦念一位老师对他的帮助，开始努力学习。进入吉林大学后，黄西广泛参与了课外活动，并开始接触小品。本科毕业后，他以第一名的成绩进入了中国科学院。在中科院，黄西写过小品，但他的主要目标是出国读书，因此“将牛津词典背了8遍，85%的单词都能记住”。后来他到美国莱斯大学攻读生化博士，黄西发现与当地人沟通依然困难。因此在之后的两年里，他不断扩充自己，在每个学科领域都读了些书，逐渐融入其中。

尽管黄西最初来到美国是为了成为生化教授，但是他一直对美国社会的人际关系很感兴趣，希望了解美国社会。一次偶然的机会，同事带他去听单口相声，虽然只理解了一半，但黄西从此对单口相声产生了兴趣。进修相关课程后，他开始表演单口相声。黄西还记得最初得到的评价：“你的表演可能挺有意思，但我不知道你在说什么。”此外，很难找到上台的机会也是困扰他的问题，甚至要自己带观众才能演出，有时还会遇到态度恶劣的老板。但凭着对生活的细致观察与深入挖掘，黄西很快在相声演出界取得了成就。2003年，他进入波士顿国际喜剧节决赛。2009年，他凭借在深夜节目收视率冠军——“大卫赖特曼秀”上的精彩表演一炮而红。2010年，他作为唯一受邀的谐星在美国记者年会上表演。

谈到对成功的看法，黄西强调要坚持自己喜爱、擅长的东西，听自己内心的声音。“成功等于做自己喜欢的东西”，他说。不管是从事生化研究时，还是在建立家庭、有了孩子之后，黄西对单口相声的热爱从未改变，从而一路跟随着自己的爱好走向了事业的巅峰。而提起失败，黄西则把它看作“答案”，它让我们知道什么可以继续做下去，什么不需再尝试。

黄西说，幽默在美国文化中占很重要地位，是人格的一个方面。黄西虽然看上去并非能说会道，但他表演的段子，由于经过精心的创作与推敲，具有很强的逻辑性，往往能够为不同文化、地域的观众带来笑声。从科研领域走出的他，创作时往往带着科学的逻辑，然而他坦言科学不能解决生活中的很多问题，幽默则是对待挫折的最好方式。

随后，黄西接受了主持人的访谈，并就创作过程、改行原因等问题回答了现场同学和特邀嘉宾柴静的提问。

讲座结束后，生04班刘紫薇同学发表了自己的看法：“黄西的经历告诉我们，在一个领域的积累很重要。把长远目标定高一点，只要一步一个脚印不轻言放弃，就一定能达到想要的高度；以更轻松的态度对待眼前的东西，则是保持乐观心态的法宝。”

第四篇：医学英语talkshow

医学英语talkshow

People in AIDS vaccine study to be warned of possible higher risk

AIDS疫苗研究志愿者可能感染HIV的风险更高

Nearly 3,000 volunteers who participated in a study of an experimental AIDS vaccine that may have

unexpectedly raised the risk of contracting HIV will be notified shortly whether they received the actual vaccine or a placebo.意想不到的是参与AIDS疫苗研究的近3000名志愿者可能感染HIV，并将尽快告知他们是接受的真正的疫苗还是安慰剂。

Leaders of the study, including representatives of vaccine manufacturer Merck & Co., the National Institutes of Health, and a network of doctors who enrolled the volunteers decided Monday to “un-blind” it after lengthy discussions in Seattle last week.上周研究的领导人，包括疫苗生产商Merck公司的代表，国家

健康协会和志愿医师网络在西雅图经过长时间讨论后决定于周一将本事件公之于众。

Because the early results of the trial showed that vaccinated volunteers might be at higher risk of

contracting HIV, there was a compelling ethical case to tell participants whether they were assigned the vaccine or placebo.However, by un-blinding the study, researchers will be limiting the scientific value of any data produced as they follow participants in the coming years.因为早期的实验结果表明已接种疫苗的志愿者可能感染HIV的风险更高，告诉志愿者是否注射的是疫苗，还是安慰剂是一项刻不容缓的伦理使命。然而，将事情的真相公之于众之后，研究者在对志愿者随访中获得的数据就没有什么科学价值了。

“It's very important that we follow up with the study volunteers,” said Dr.Susan Buchbinder, director of HIV Research for the San Francisco Department of Public

Health, and co-chair of the committee that set up the protocols for the trial.San Francisco公共卫生HIV研究的主管，实验设计委员会主席Buchbinder说：“研究者的随访对我们来说非常重要。”

One hundred thirty-seven of the trial participants live in the Bay Area.37%的受试者居住在海湾地区。

Although the study showed definitively that the

vaccine did not protect against HIV infection, the early trend showing increased risk among the vaccinated was not proven.So far, 49 of the 1,500 volunteers who received the vaccine have become infected, compared with 33 among a similarly sized group given a placebo.虽然最后的研究表明疫苗不能预防感染HIV，但是可能增加感染风险的早期趋势并没有得到证实。目前为止1500个接受疫苗者中有49人感染，而与之对应的安慰剂组中也有33人感染。

In addition, 21 of those infected in the vaccinated group also tested positive for prior exposure to a

common cold virus, which was used in hobbled form as a component of the vaccine.Only nine of those in the placebo group who showed prior exposure to the cold virus were infected.此外，注射疫苗组中的21个感染者在之前的普通冷病毒暴露实验中呈阳性，冷病毒是该疫苗的载体成分。安慰剂组冷病毒暴露实验阳性者中只有9人感染了HIV。

Buchbinder said researchers don't know why the vaccinated group had an apparently higher infection rate, but one possibility is simply chance-and that over time, the number of infections in both groups would level out.Buchbinder说研究者不知道为什么疫苗注射组的感染率较高，但是其中一种可能原因就是偶然性，并且随着时间的推移两组的感染率将会持平。

The San Francisco AIDS physician said she agrees with the decision to un-blind the study.“At the meeting in Seattle on Thursday, there was lots of opportunity for discussion among the investigators and the

community, and the vast majority were in favor of un-blinding,” she said.旧金山艾滋病中心的医生说，她同意揭晓研究的真相的决定。她说：“星期四在西雅图的会议上，研究者和公众讨论了多种可能方案，但是绝大多数人还是主张揭开事情的真相。

The alternative would have been to allow any participants to be told whether they received the vaccine if they asked to know, but many researchers concluded that there would be little extra information gained by this strategy of “voluntary un-blinding.” 这一抉择表示如果志愿者想知道自己是否注射了疫苗的话，研究者应该告知。但是很多研究者推断“告知志愿者”的决策使他们只能获得较少的信息。

第五篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。

And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you

don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United Sates?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。

So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “guess we can” That was their slogan.当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。